If You're Not a Manc, You're a Wank

So I just finished catching the UEFA Champions league final, whilst having pizza at JP and Lauren's folks place in Clifton. I thought the title “If You’re Not a Manc, You’re a Wank” to be fitting for this post, as Manchester United have just been crowned champions.

Now to be honest I'm not really a Manchester United supporter and was actually routing for the under dogs Chelsea, with that said, I do carry a Nike, Manchester United duffel bag around; but this was bought due to my complete ignorance. It wasn’t until someone had asked me whether I was a Man U supporter that I realized the purchase that I had made. It shows just how little I actually follow soccer.

Strange though, since I did attend one of the best soccer playing, junior schools in the country. Clarendon Park Primary produced at least 3 South African schools soccer players every year. I played defender; the defenders job is to stop the attacking team’s players from getting pass and to prevent them from scoring goals. I don’t want to brag but during my tenure at Clarendon no one ever got pass me.

Again, this record was held because of my complete ignorance of the sport. Before Clarendon I had gone to two schools (yes, I have been around) both of them predominantly rugby playing and one of them having a proud rugby heritage, named Dale. There was no speak of soccer at Dale and you were forced to play rugby from Grade 1!

When I arrived at Clarendon, soccer, like rugby at Dale, was compulsory, however I was clueless…Funnily the coach, a substitute teacher was an ex- Daley and sympathized, so he taught me very simply, to be a good defender, all I needed to do was to stop the player from getting pass, by going for the ball or “tackling” the player. Figuring that the player was bigger, therefore an easier target and taking “tackle” far too literally, I developed a deadly sliding, studs up, tackle!

From that day forth I was dubbed the “Kamikaze Kid”; and there were many, many penalties and injured players; but it didn’t matter that I got sent off so much, I figured I did my job because no one passed me!

I bet if I played professionally today, the record of players passing me would still remain intact. But given how poncy and dramatic soccer players can be, diving and falling all over the show I’d probably get red carded to heck…I guess I can forget about earning a 7 million euro per month salary. Damn.