Hope

I woke up feeling particularly sorry for myself this morning. Still struggling with the flu, but I knew I had to go into work. They gave me two days off, proviso that I came in on Monday to finish up some stuff.

I've been told that my blog is a decent read, but that the underlying tone is rather depressing. It's taken me a while to write this, but if truth be told I haven't been happy for quite while and it's one of the reasons why I started this daily journal in the first place (as I recall the title of the first entry is entitled Down but Not Out), to try keep track of my progress, record some positive activity and instill some inspiration in my life...

In recent past, I've developed a fake laugh, it kinda sounds like that animated cartoon Goofy's laugh. It's probably not noticeable to the public; but it's almost like a nervous reaction, it's involuntary, but I cringe every time it's delivered, because I know that it's a front to hide my otherwise depressed state.

I guess I'm just tired of fronting, and some of the bottled up angst is starting to manifest itself as aggressive outbursts, which scares me a little. I went to speak to a professional listener, which I doubt I'll be visiting again anytime soon, because all he did was make me realize how unhappy I actually was. What I did take away from the therapist was that I should try face my emotions head on and deal with them as they come, rather than bottle them up. He suggested that I write my feelings down...

I'm struggling to find purpose, to get up in the morning, which is a foreign concept to me. Anyone who knows me well, will tell you that I'm not normally unhappy and that I'm usually filled with positivity. The happy-go-lucky guy that never lets anything get him down. Mostly, I think I'm frustrated, I'm frustrated that every time there is some glimmer of hope it's smothered and squashed - It's bringing out the cynicism in me (which again is foreign).

To name a few things: In the last year and a bit; I've lost faith in love, friendship, humanity...just a small example to illustrate my point (little things like these shouldn't bother me - but they do). On Saturday - I had some leftover food from a braai and was walking down the street, when a beggar asked if he could have it; most probably, as was my assumption, that he was hungry. As is my nature, I obligingly gave it to him - it was some pasta salad and a little bit of leftover fruit salad.

After giving it to him and while I was walking away he called me back to say that I could have the fruit salad back and throw it away because he didn't like it and wouldn't eat it. I was seriously annoyed with his ungratefulness, I called him an "Ungrateful Bastard", and at the time wanted to take one of his crutches and smack him with it, luckily for him, there were people around and I somehow managed to restrain myself and walk away.

I struggle to figure out where I fit into the greater scheme of things, I've developed a sense of self identity but it's difficult for me to place myself in a social context. I've always been different. I'm a first generation Taiwanese - South African (let's not even go into the politics of the difference between Taiwanese and Chinese people - if you think South African politics is confusing, your head will explode with that one) origin, who grew up in a predominantly Caucasian environment, so have never really fitted in. I look different. Never really been fully accepted. And probably why I usually find myself lonely, single.

In Taiwan, it's even more difficult to fit in. I look like everyone else, but I've been brought up different; culturally, I dress different, I talk different, hell, I even act different. And that too can't be accepted, a Banana they would call me, yellow on the outside, white on the inside. In a way, that's even more hurtful, to be rejected by your own kind. I guess that being categorized by the South African government as being "Black" is almost appropriate, as it not only shows how confused the rest of the world is, about placing me, but also reflects my own state of confusion.

Bless my parents, who have always been there for me; but they too can't seem to identify and are not always able to relate to what I'm going through. As in most cases, there is a loss of translation between generations; but added to the rift is a western cultural influence which is undeniable. They were brought up Chinese, I was not; and at times, it feels like we're talking completely different languages.

The only person I think who I can fully relate with is my brother, he was brought up in the same circumstances, yet we are two completely different people (no! we are not twins), him being more intellectual and head strong, while me being more heart. And yet again, we seemingly pass each other - like ships in the night.

I know this much, that in all my confusion I have built my own identity. I've tried to take the best of Eastern and Western influences and have somehow come up with my own, moral framework which at times is even more stringent than both. It has caused me to place high personal expectations on myself and evidently, on others, and I suppose, I become disappointed when these expectations are not met. High personal expectations are a form of self validation methinks and nothing I do is ever good enough... Have I fully accepted myself then?...

Perhaps I'm just highly strung, over thinking things as usual and need a holiday. Although I did ask for one; I still managed, somehow, to get the flu and therefore not really have one (at least I wasn't sick the first half).

Recently, friends have been going out of there way to show me a good time. But I hate it when people try to make me drink, I lack the enzymes to process alcohol, as is the case with most Asian people originating from the Pacific Rim; and while it acts as a mood enhancer for most (I must admit I'll buzz for the first 30 minutes or so), it seems to exacerbate my depression.

So there you have it, if you've noticed a depressing undertone in my writing, you were right.
But you shouldn't worry, I'll find my feet again, I always do. I used today's entry as a bit of an exercise to try help me identify why it is that I'm feeling so down...

I never said that I didn't have issues; but at least I'm trying to work through them. The one thing that I do wake up with, is hope. Hope that the new day would bring about something better, less confusing. I just wish it would get here quicker. I guess, patience is a virtue I need to learn.