Thanksgiving

I haven't been myself lately, in particular the last week or two. To be honest, I'm not sure exactly what it is that I'm going through. All I know is that I wake up in the morning filled with emotion and negative thoughts and honestly I don't know how to turn that around. People say that being positive is about choice. What if it isn't? It's not like I'm not trying. From the get go; I'm feeling down, angry, emotional - so I tell myself, no that's not how I should be feeling. I try my best to lift myself, but regardless of the bravado, things slump and seem to turn out badly. I get frustrated and soon feel down again.

I know that my behavior has been one of self indulgence and believe me when I say, if I knew how to get over this more quickly, I would. Perhaps I'm trying too hard to force it, perhaps I should just let it be and not give myself a deadline? I'm strange that way, I'll say "Okay, that is as long as you are allowed to feel down. Now, get over it already". Clearly, it's not working. It just seems to manifest itself later when I don't expect it. Apparently, it's not the first time I've been like this, I don't remember it, but my parents recall that when I was about 5 or 6 years old something happened and because of it, I wouldn't speak to anyone for 6 months. Everyone began to worry. I reckon I became introverted, to work out what was going on with myself.

Close to 20 years later, and I find myself in a similar situation, only this time, I've taken a different approach in handling things. I've been very vocal about how I'm feeling, in the form of this blog. This will sound strange, I don't particularly like airing my dirty laundry in public, I'm actually a very private person - I'd rather hide behind closed doors and deal with it by myself, but for some reason it feels like there is some greater purpose as if by documenting what I'm experiencing, it could help someone else who's reading it...when I started writing about 7 months ago I made a commitment, I told myself that I would write an honest account of what was going on in my life and how I was feeling.

A lot has happened in the past year and to the best of my ability I've tried to stand by that commitment; even if I've felt like I'd be revealing too much. Again, I'm strange that way, if I make a promise; even if it's to no one in particular I'll try my utmost to hold up my end of the agreement.

Thanksgiving has come and gone in Canada, but it is coming up in the States soon. I like the concept: showing gratitude for the things you have. I couldn't find anything to inspire me yesterday. So I thought I'd approach it from a different angle. I looked for things that I'm grateful for. I'm thankful that I have my family and that I have an amazing bunch of friends, who've been patient with me, I really appreciate that...to be honest I don't know where I would be if I didn't have that right now. So while I may not be beaming today at least I'm grateful.. and that's sure as heck better than being depressed, frustrated and angry.