Escape

Sometimes one can feel more alone when one is surrounded by lots of people. It’s an odd thing to say, but that’s what I came to realize. I felt like I had lost my self in the crowd.

I’ve got a lot of random thoughts flying around in my head and I’m finding it pretty difficult to try and articulate what I’m trying to express.

Perhaps it’s easiest if I just start off by describing my day. It was great, really fun. It began with lil’ Andi (I swear she’s the energizer bunny in disguise - a fellow insomniac) convincing me to get to coffee club a little earlier than usual for a pre coffee club, coffee. Afterward, we gathered a group together on Clifton 1st and had an awesome day at the beach.

We had quite a setup – I brought snacks, a bat and ball set, a hackie sack, my surfboards, my guitar… pretty much everything that I could think of, that was available in my flat and that I could think of in aiding us to have a good time. I quite literally spent the entire day by the ocean.

I even got in a little surf. I haven’t hopped on a board in a really long time; and while the waves were horrible, it felt good just to be back in the water.

All through school and university, surfing was my escape. I could do it for hours. It was something I did alone, to get away, to forget about all my problems and to be away from the rest of the world. I used it as a time for self reflection and an opportunity to get to know myself a little bit better. By surfing by myself, I grew to truly appreciate my own company.

Today, I realized I was losing myself, I was lost, alone in the crowd, and the surf, the momentary solitude, it felt like I got a little taste of my past and for a brief moment I found escape, I felt like I could reflect. I felt like I found myself, I was no longer alone – I found someone I hadn't been around with, in ages - I found myself - I had me.

One of the things I came to realize is that, I hate coming in second place – that’s figuratively of course - all my life I’ve settled for being second. In everything from work, my education, relationships… and it seriously frustrates me to no end. It’s now on my number one of all time pet peeves. I am the only one to blame for this, I let it happen, I turned a blind eye to the fact that I was settling for sub-parity.

I’ve decided from here on out, I will never again be second string to anyone or settle for second place with anything. I will not compromise, I will not falter and I will no longer settle for anything less than being first.